EQ Trumps IQ

The votes are in. Just as we thought…. EQ trumps IQ. EQ, or Emotional Quotient, is the ability to be fully aware of your own feelings and those of others. When teaching or writing, I try to keep this in mind. OK, I know, some of our books are about cows, but in my world there are nice cows, self-important cows, and bullying cows. Kind of like people we all know.

  Everyone can walk around thinking about what a bad day they’re having, but the truly empathetic can also sense the feelings of others. In the classic, To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus tells his children, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view--until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” The term may not have been coined yet, but Atticus Finch is the epitome of someone with a high EQ. After reading pages upon pages on EQ written by sages of psychology and education, I (a sage of nothing) came up with my own simple definition. This is not to say it’s for everyone, but it suits my purposes. A person with a high EQ is empathetic, has the ability to get along, and has the willingness to compromise. See where I’m going with this? It’s pretty simple.

What does this have to do with kids and writing for kids? A lot. Both Ellen Rothberg and I want our characters to learn a lesson in the end. They are not perfect, and we show their faults. However, we want our characters to grow and do the right thing. We want our readers to see themselves in our characters and see how they too can learn to get along, compromise, and show empathy. Yep, even if the characters are cows.

  Can a person have a good EQ without the ability to empathize? I don’t think so. I often wonder about a guy I knew in high school. He was good looking and very smart, but I remember thinking he was kind of a jerk. I clearly recall him telling a friend that he could sympathize with her less than stellar SAT scores, but he couldn’t empathize since he would never score that poorly. I wanted to smack him for hurting my friend. That’s a sort of empathy on my part, isn’t it? This friend and I spent the afternoon talking about boys who “done us wrong” as well as some particularly mean girls. I often wonder how successful that young man is today. And as for those mean girls…..I hope it was just a phase!

  As parents, we plaster the fridge with our kids’ work covered with stars, and we smile as our kids bring home those academic honors. And we should. I am not knocking brains. However, without a fully developed EQ, a person may not reach his or her full potential. Parents take time to help children read, write, or play a musical instrument. This, of course, is admirable. But what about our children’s EQ? Can we work on that? Dr. Ken Lyen says we can help increase our children’s EQ with simple things. Encourage your children to care for others, show them the importance of being honest, praise them for good deeds, and teach them to apologize for their mistakes. The apology must be sincere. As Randy Pausch said in his beautiful Last Lecture, a proper apology has three parts. 1. What I did was wrong. 2. I feel badly that I hurt you. 3. How can I make it better?

Again, the bottom line is simple. There is no need for deep intellectual discourse and long written dissertations. We all remember the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It sounds simple and childish, but it doesn’t always come easily. I hope our books help teach this very basic concept. When I left a school last week, I asked everyone to go out and make a difference in one person’s life. A third grader said, “You mean just be nice.” Indeed…out of the mouths of babes.